Many of you have probably heard of Brene Brown and her work on shame and vulnerability.

I also ran across an interesting, although older, blog post about a study on the use of labeling and its potential to change behavior here at http://danariely.com/2012/12/29/wha…

I believe we see these two areas come together in considering how shame is a barrier for change.

Let’s think about 3 examples: 1)Public advocacy 2)Employee performance and 3)Parenting boundaries.

1) Advocacy has become easier with social media and a host of causes to join. This is one of the powers of social media.However, are we really using it to create lasting change?

When there are so many different points of view, an ability to create sustainable change requires the parties to connect and find alternatives (see systems thinking or Manfred Max-Neef’s work on human needs and satisfiers for some brain candy here). While one party may be capable of generating various alternatives, the connection of two parties would not only add together their ideas, but create unique alternatives through their connection.

The key for unique solutions here is CONNECTION.

While advocacy organizations may or may not use labeling (such and such group “is” _negative adjective___), many individual advocates do utilize it on social media. The attempt is to persuade others that supporting the cause is only reasonable and just.

2) Employee performance is based on being able to provide feedback to employees and improve their performance. In some organizations, this is effective and engages employees in their work and results. In others, it results in feelings of shame, disengagement, etc.

3) As parents, we see the need to set boundaries. We want our children to be successful. There are a variety of methods and philosophies. At times, however, we know that our approach causes shame. We see our kids withdraw or just try to do whatever they think we want or to push back against the expectations.

In all of these examples, advocacy and managing performance and setting boundaries as parents are not things that are inherently bad. It is how we go about them, and whether we utilize shame and labeling as a tool for change that makes a difference.

Now let’s look at shame and labeling again. The study showed that labeling a behavior as “cheating” deterred cheating less than labeling the participants as “cheaters”. This shows that perhaps labeling has an effect on behavior.

This effect, I believe, is why we see shame used so often as a tool of change. In all 3 of these examples, shame can be used as a tool. It can silence opponents of a change, it can cause employees to try to avoid the behavior that created the labeling, and it can cause children to try to avoid the punishment by changing behavior.

What are the side effects? I believe the biggest one is DISCONNECTION. The listener is disconnected from the advocate and the cause, the employee disconnects or disengages from the manager and/or organization and the child can withdraw and disconnect from the parent, unwilling to discuss or show failure.

While a particular behavior may change, in the end the disconnection of individuals feeling shame creates a barrier to the long-term change that is desired: additional advocates for the cause, engaged and productive employees, and children with a healthy family relationship who are able to deal with the challenges of life.

This is why shame is a major barrier to change.

Next time we approach a situation where we want change to occur, we would do well to examine whether our impulse is to utilize shaming as a tool. Instead, ask what you REALLY want to have happen? And what strategy will allow that to occur now and in the future?